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These Video Game Villains Are Definitely Crypto Bros

Every budding technology begins as a despicable exercise in exploitation. Before Game Pass and Apple Arcade, the entire mobile game industry was one big Clash of Clans con job. The first email that was ever sent was probably from a Nigerian prince trying to scam an old lady. Even the internet itself started out as nothing more than a bunch of chat rooms for pedophiles. We can’t have nice things, at least not at first, and cryptocurrency is no exception. I have no idea what value crypto could one-day offer society, but right now it’s nothing more than a pyramid scheme for nerds. That’s not to say there isn’t money to be made – some people have gotten filthy rich off of Bitcoin, emphasis on the filthy. Whenever there’s an opportunity to make lots of money by lying to people, draining the Earth of its precious resources, and without having to actually do any work, the wrong kind of people are bound to come sniffing around.

A crypto bro is the very worst kind of person. These are usually people that understand very little of the technology behind cryptocurrency but are the most committed to the efficacy of the market. These are the investors that flood social media with #HODLGANG and harass anyone that expresses skepticism about the value of Ethereum, Dogecoin, JRR Token, or whatever other bullshit their hawking on any given day. They love crypto because they love money and clout, but they’re less investors than they are hypemen and viral marketers. The most well-known and successful crypto bros are charismatic leaders with the gift of gab and just enough knowledge to be dangerous. Crypto influencers like Roger Ver, John McAfee, IvanOnTech, and even Elon Musk control the market by directing their cult of crypto kiddies where to go and what to invest in. The crypto community is cult-like in their reverence and dedication to pretend internet money, and people like Ver and McAfee are their de facto cult leaders.

Related: Gaming NFTs Will Never Work

In the world of video games, the crypto leaders would assuredly be a lot more overt and outwardly villainous. No game has ever tackled crypto culture and the demagogues that keep the imaginary ship afloat – presumably because every publisher is planning to get in on the ruse – but that doesn’t mean video game crypto bros don’t exist. Looking back at the most popular games, it's easy to see which villains would have been conductors on the blockchain hype train. Here is a short, non-definitive list of video game villains that are definitely crypto bros.

Vaas Montenegro

Far Cry 3’s pirate leader Vaas Montenegro definitely doesn’t know what a bitcoin is. In fact, I doubt he even knows how to use a computer, and there’s a good chance he’s illiterate too. Yet that hasn’t stopped him from investing vast sums into the crypto market of course. Vaas loves expensive things, but more importantly, he has a desperate need to prove he’s always the toughest, smartest guy in the room. The insecurity that drives Vaas is the same instinct that drives adults to spend $10k on a picture of a monkey smoking a joint, I assume. It's easy to imagine Vaas shouting “TO THE MOON!” at his pirates while kidnapping people and selling them into slavery. He probably thinks he’s actually going to the moon.

Andrew Ryan

Cryptocurrency and libertarians are like peanut butter and jelly – if peanut butter and jelly was terrible. Bioshock takes place in an alternate version of the 1960s, but if the internet had been invented by them I’m certain Ryan would have funded Rapture by inventing a new cryptocurrency called Atlas Coin or something (don’t steal that). Everyone in Rapture would have had to pay for plasmids using QR codes on their socks that link to their crypto wallets. Oh god, I’ve managed to make Bioshock slightly more dystopian. No God Or Kings, only NFTs.

Dr. Robotnik

Eggman is the dumbest smart guy on the planet, so he’s basically the video game version of Elon Musk. When not getting routinely embarrassed by a talking rodent, Robotnik likely spends all day on the r/bitcoin subreddit making memes about all the women that used to doubt him. Eggman definitely gets suckered into a pump-and-dump altcoin once a month, but he’s in too deep to turn back now. He was also an early adopter of NFTs. Eggman has minted virtual trading cards for all 400 of his Badniks, but no one will buy them – not even the Lazy Lion dorks.

Giovanni

Giovanni bought every single GPU in the Kanto region, all of them. He’s turned Team Rocket HQ into the world’s biggest Bitcoin mining farm. The facility was once powered by the Power Plant on Route 10, but was so energy intensive that it quickly overloaded the system and forced it to shut down. Now he sends his minions out to steal electric-type pokemon to constantly power the farm, discarding them when they are too weak and tired to provide electricity. Giovanni is truly the most devious crypto bro there is.

Wario

It’s a shame I already used the Elon Musk comparison for Eggman, because the self-proclaimed meme lord sees himself as more of a Wario. We know that Wario is motivated by the same things that motivates crypto bros – namely greed – but Wario also embodies the crypto bro more than any other villain on this list. A loud, squat, troll-like man that loves farting on people and driving an obnoxiously loud motorcycle, Wario is a total social outcast that’s completely unable to conform to society. He’s received a lifetime of rejection and now he wears his unpleasantness like a badge of honor. Wario is a pig-faced little weirdo that finally found a place he can be himself in the crypto community. It would be sort of sweet if he wasn’t the fucking worst.

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