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The New Consoles Load Too Damn Fast

Instantaneous load times have been one of the primary selling points for the PlayStation 5 and Xbox Series X/S. How could it not be? Since gaming switched from cartridges to disc-based media, we’ve become accustomed to twiddling our thumbs waiting for games to boot up. Over time we evolved to find creative methods of filling that time. 

As great as it sounds, the near-extinction of loading may be a curse in disguise. I developed entertaining and integral rituals designed to make load times fly by, and those parts of my life will be erased forever, maybe. Granted, I don’t yet have a PS5 or Xbox Series X/S so it hasn’t happened yet. Still, anecdotes of Spider-Man: Miles Morales launching in the blink of an eye are as frightening as they are impressive. Here are some extremely general and relatable activities I won’t be able to partake in because the new consoles load too damn fast. 

Shatter High Scores In Threes

I don’t play mobile games often but Threes has been my favorite since it launched in 2014. It’s as close to perfect as phone games get, and I still play it regularly. However, my sessions usually take place during two scenarios: waiting in lines for things and waiting for games to load. I already lost my line-standing thanks to COVID-19, and now my load times are gone, too? My Threes scores shall now remain forever stagnant at a whopping three-thousand, eleventy million something. It’s pretty high, I swear.  

Build Trading Card Decks To Defeat My Ultimate Rival

Sometimes I like to pretend I live in a world where everything is decided via card games, and I could be challenged to a duel at any moment. Before you laugh, consider the alternate reality we currently occupy. That’s why I’m constantly tinkering with my Yu-Gi-Oh deck like a TCG-obsessed Tony Stark. Unfortunately, I’m also an adult with big boy responsibilities that regularly cut into my card slinging. Load screens offered a great opportunity to pick up a card, scrutinize it, then expertly move it atop another pile of cards. I then repeated the process in reverse using the same card during the next load screen. Without loads, I won’t have the time necessary to build my ultimate deck to take down my greatest rival … whoever they are. 

Fall Down Wikipedia Rabbit Holes

Many people check news or social media sites during load times. I opt to enrich my noggin by exploring our most trusted epicenter of human knowledge: Wikipedia. Sometimes I’ll read up on the Yeti and how there’s a purported creature scalp sitting in some dusty Himalayan monastery. Did you know that Joseph Zentmayer has a rare microscope designed on display at the Delaware County Institute of Science? Wikipedia taught me that while waiting for Red Dead Redemption 2 to load. Greatest hits include the sinking of the Titanic, the O.J. Simpson trial, and ghosts. Just ghosts. During moments of extreme vanity, I’ll occasionally look up my name to no avail. I’ve become quite the smarty pants thanks to these load time knowledge trips, and I can already feel my knowledge of the Loch Ness Monster slipping away. 

Keep In Touch With Loved Ones

I can’t be bothered to touch base with family or friends often because I’m a curmudgeonly young hermit. However, the long pockets of boredom created by load times often left me with no choice but to text my mom and let her know I still walked the Earth. I fear that once I nab a PlayStation 5 and/or Xbox Series X, everyone will probably think I’m dead. More so than they already do, I mean. I should probably work on my communication skills. Then again, Demon’s Souls isn’t going to conquer itself. 

Lie To Children About How Loading Works

When my cool uncle bought me a PS1 at launch in 1995, he sat backward in a chair and got real with me about the wonders of CD technology. For some reason, though, he fed me a blatant lie that hitting a button – any button – while a game was loading would cause it to crash and break. As an 8-year old who didn’t know better, I completely believed him. For the next year or so I dropped my controller the instant a load screen appeared and screamed at friends to do the same like a paranoid maniac. That became hilarious in hindsight, so I passed that false narrative on to younger cousins as well as children unrelated to me whenever I played games with them. New-gen games boot up too fast now, so this victimless prank will have to be retired. 

Come Up With Fantastic Article Ideas Like This

My brain spins more gold than that lady in Rumpelstiltskin, and the thoughtful moments afforded by load times helped bring many “eureka!” moments to life. I’d stare blankly at a rotating model before inspiration struck and I’d exclaim “By George, I’ve got it! The top 10 rotating load screen models!” I’d then make a note of it on my phone and continue playing my game with newfound confidence that I’ve nailed it yet again. I’m not sure what avenue my brilliant ideas will have to come from now. Maybe I can find a niche in concocting different ways of complaining about the load times being too … well, you know.   

Let me know what fun load screen activities you can no longer engage in down in the comments! 

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